Question: My fiance hates my best friend whom I have had for years. I love, cherish and adore them both, but when we get together she (fiance) treats her (bestie)very badly without good reason. I have tried talking to her before about this and she only says “she is fine.” My friend is coming to stay with us for the weekend arriving tomorrow and will leave Sunday, how do I make this a pleasant weekend for all of us without pulling my hair out?!
I want to know what it means that she “treats her very badly” and who decided that his reason for disliking her is “without good reason?” I am going to assume that since you said she simply responds, “she is fine”, that you don’t know the reason and thus assume you have decided it is without good reason.
Regardless, it is completely unacceptable that she treats her badly whether she likes her or not.
I also wonder why you are having her come to stay with you before ensuring that your fiancé will treat her properly by getting a commitment from her to do so. When in a relationship there are many compromises and this needs to be one of them from your partner. Does she mind her staying with you both? Have you taken that into consideration?
Have you talked to your best friend to see what she thinks of your fiancé? How does she feel treated by him? Does she feels mistreated and how does she treat her in return.
The first thing I would do is tell your fiancé you wish to revisit the situation with your best friend. If he says everything is fine again tell her that it isn’t for you. Talk to her using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Often partners talk to each other by saying things such as, “You always do this…” or “You never do that….” Words such as always and never rarely if ever are correct. They cause a partners hearing to close and creates defensiveness.
Also, it is important to only talk about your own personal experience about the situation.
Incorrect phrasing: “You act like this or that around my friend and I don’t like it”.
Correct phrasing: “I experience tension and discomfort when I am with you around my friend”
The latter is accusatory and will be met with defensiveness.
Incorrect phrasing: “You said something mean to her” or “You don’t even look at her”
Correct phasing: “What I heard you say to her was mean in my judgment” or “I saw you looking away from her while she was talking”
Both of these correct phrasing involves your own personal experience of the situation and your fiancé cannot argue with what you heard and what you saw as that is your experience whether or not it is correct.
Another approach is this four part dialogue; Date, judgment, feelings, what I want.
You would say to your fiancé that the data is what the behaviors are that you witness. Your judgment is what you judge the behaviors to be which you have said are bad. Next tell her your feelings about the situation and finally what you want specifically. In other words, it has to be positivle measurable and specific. So you would say to your fiancé, “What I want when my best friend visits is to hear you speak politely to her, only speak positively and if you have a problem with her come to me and tell me and I will take care of it.
If your fiancé cannot or will not treat her right, consider going to a hotel and telling your fiancé that she is not allowed to join you given your discomfort–as well as your friend’s discomfort.
