Question: As I child I grew up without my father, and I was not kept safe by my bisexual mother. I observed adult female/female sex, and was molested by several adult females. Erotic images that remained fixed growing into my teen years were of women behaving cruelly, usually by forcing me to do something to them, or upon myself.
As a grown person I identify as straight, am married, and I have two daughters. My husband does not know about my past. If I responded to woman under those circumstances in the past, and find myself responsive to erotic images of woman - though the thought of being with one makes my skin crawl – does that make me gay or bisexual?
–Sexually Disoriented
Dear Sexually Disoriented,
I am so sorry about what happened to you and that you were not protected by either of your parents.
My answer is that none of this can make you gay or bisexual—or even straigh,t for that matter. Abuse doesn’t determine sexual orientation.
What it can and does do is cause confusion.
And what you are describing here is clearly sexual abuse. Sexual abuse happens whenever one person dominates and exploits another person through sexual activity or suggestions, using sexual feelings and behavior to degrade, humiliate, control, injure or misuse someone else. People who have been sexually abused can feel confusion around sexual preferences and sexual identity.
In the book The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, author and educator Wendy Maltz equates sexual abuse with a violation of a position of trust, power and protection, “an act on a child who lacks emotional and intellectual maturation.”
Sexual abuse – and the shame surrounding it – promotes sexual secrecy among its victims, so that even their own sexual drives, libido, orientation and desires become secret to themselves. The fundamental principle here is that when you are experiencing eroticism around abusive situations, you are reenacting your sexual abuse – not expressing a homosexual or bisexual identity.
First, it’s important to know that there is a difference between sexual orientation, fantasy and behavior. I often use the term “sexual cathexis” in addition to “sexual orientation.” While the meaning of “sexual cathexis” overlaps that of sexual orientation, I find using both terms lessens confusion when we’re talking about the direction of sexual attraction.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual identity or orientation refers to the way in which someone self-identifies. The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, affectional and/or sexual attractions to specific gender(s).”
Sexual orientation is a constant and doesn’t change.
This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to whom they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation.
SEXUAL CATHEXIS
Sexual cathexis is the organization of eroticism and/or emotional attachment with reference to the sex and gender of their sexual partner.
Simply, sexual cathexis is the potential for sexual arousal when faced with images and persons of a specific gender(s). Both men and women can experience a sexual fluidity in their cathexis in which they find their sexual interests changing over their lifetime. However, their primary sexual orientation remains.
Researcher Lisa Diamond’s book ”Sexual Fluidit” notes:“ Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something a woman can control.”
SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t necessarily reflect your orientation. For exampl,e there are self-described “heteroflexibles” who enjoy occasional sex with members of the same gender – however for them it is a behavior and not an identity.
Younger gays and lesbians in college and early 20’s often engage in heterosexual sex for fun and experimentation.
SEXUAL FANTASIES
Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be erotic and/or romantic. They can be loving and they can be violent. Often they are politically incorrect and are things you would never want to do in reality, but in fantasy they are a turn on.
Fantasies can be about virtually anyone and anything—not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains—especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac effect.
Survivors of sexual abuse sometimes wonder if their sexual orientation, fantasies and behaviors resulted from the abuse, especially when it results in eroticizing what happened to them from the abuse, as in your case here.
Actually, eroticizing one’s sexual abuse and reenacting it as an adult is common. In a sense, it turns trauma into triumph and victim into victor. In the sexual fantasy, you are controlling what happens, unlike the abuse, which controlled you! In the fantasy, everyone is turned on where in the abuse you were turned off.
In other words, it is like your sexual psyche is returning to the scene of the crime to solve it and never actually does.
And finally, you say your husband doesn’t know. I wonder why you don’t tell him? I imagine you are ashamed of the fantasies, given that they stem from the abuse, and perhaps because they are female-centered, while you identify as male-centered.
If you are not in therapy I strongly recommend finding a therapist who can help you resolve and heal your sexual abuse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your abusers, on the other hand, have everything to be ashamed of.
