Question:
As I child I grew up without my father, and I was not kept safe by my bisexual Mother. I observed adult f/f sex, and was molested by several adult females. Erotic images that remained fixed growing into my teen years were of women behaving cruelly usually by forcing me to do something to them, or upon myself. As a grown person I identify as straight, am married, and I have two daughters. My husband does not know about my past. If I responded to woman under those circumstances in the past, and find myself responsive to erotic images of woman-though the thought of being with one makes my skin crawl-does that make me gay, or bisexual?
-Sexually Disoriented
Dear Sexually Disoriented,
I am so sorry about what happened to you and that you were not protected by either of your parents. My answer is that none of this can make you gay or bisexual—or even straight for that matter. What is can and does do is cause confusion. What you are describing here is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse confuses the victims around matters of sexual identity and sexual preferences.
Sexual abuse is whenever one person dominates and exploits another person through sexual activity or suggestion, using sexual feelings and behavior to degrade, humiliate, control, injure or misuse someone else. In the book The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, author and educator Wendy Maltz equates sexual abuse with a violation of a position of trust, power and protection, “an act on a child who lacks emotional & intellectual maturation.” It promotes sexual secrecy among its victims, so that even their own sexual drives, libido, orientation and desires become secrets to themselves.
The fundamental principle here is that you are reenacting your sexual abuse–not expressing a homosexual or bisexual identity.
There is a difference between sexual orientation, preferences, fantasy, and behavior.
Sexual Cathexis or Orientation
I often use the term sexual cathexis rather than sexual orientation. While it has an overlap of meaning with sexual orientation, I find it less confusing for someone talking about the direction of his or her sexual attraction.
Sexual cathexis is the organization of your eroticism and/or emotional attachment with reference to the sex and gender of their sexual partner. It is your potential for responding with sexual arousal to persons of a specific gender(s) involving the direction of one’s sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes.
Sexual identity or orientation refers to the way in which someone self-identifies. Some self-identify as heterosexual (straight), gay or lesbian, bi-attractional (bisexual) or questioning.
The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, affectional and/or sexual attractions to specific gender(s).” Sexual orientation is a constant and doesn’t change. This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to whom they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation.
Both men and women can experience a sexual fluidity in their cathexis in which they find their sexual interests changing over their lifetime. However, their primary sexual orientation remains.
Researcher Lisa Diamond has written a book on sexual fluidity for women titled, Sexual Fluidity in which she writes:
“ Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something a woman can control.”
SEXUAL PREFERENCES
These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies that someone prefers to have when engaging in sexual activity. They can take it or leave it and they enjoy it when they do it. This is different than sexual cathexis, which is fixed object(s) of passion for which they are compelled and naturally drawn to. Preferences can change over time and one can become more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies, behaviors and acts.
SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t necessarily reflect your orientation. For example there are self-described heteroflexibles who enjoy occasional sex with members of the same gender however for them it is a behavior and not an identity. Younger gays and lesbians in college and early 20’s are engaging in heterosexual sex for fun and experimentation.
SEXUAL FANTASIES
Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be erotic and/or romantic. They can be loving and they can be violent. Often they are politically incorrect and are things you would never want to do in reality but in fantasy they are a turn on. They can be about virtually anyone and anything—not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains—especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac effect.
Survivors of sexual abuse wonder if their sexual orientation, fantasies and behaviors resulted from the abuse, especially when it results in eroticizing what happened to them from the abuse as in your case here.
Actually eroticizing one’s sexual abuse and reenacting it as an adult is common. In a sense it turns trauma into triumph and victim into victor. In the sexual fantasy, you are controlling what happens unlike the abuse, which controlled you! In the fantasy, everyone is turned on where in the abuse you were turned off.
In other words, it is like your sexual psyche is returning to the scene of the crime to solve it and never actually does.
And finally you say your husband doesn’t know and I wonder why you don’t tell him? I imagine you are ashamed of the fantasies given that they stem from the abuse. You say it makes your skin crawl and I imagine it is both because it is from the abuse and not your sexual cathexis. If you are not in therapy I strongly recommend finding a therapist who can help you resolve and heal your sexual abuse.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Those who abused you have everything to be ashamed of.
